But I couldn't conjure tears; they're too good for stupid angels

I met with a counselor who had a doctorate and some age and wisdom; sadly, she only listened as I carried on in stream-of-consciousness fashion about how much my life sucks right now.  Winter depresses me; I don't express this the same way others might, however.  Most people, when depressed, cry a lot, contemplate suicide, or sleep all day.  Not me.  When I'm depressed, all things come down to anger and I'm full of rage all the time.  I still fantasize about hurting people around me when they piss me off; save my friends (who know who they are), that means all people at the grocery store, on the highway, and at school.  The list of people who DON'T piss me off is actually shorter.  I hate feeling this way because by about the middle of the day, I can't even stand myself and my mood.

The thought of quitting school right now also holds a certain appeal; I would love to tell every person in the department who frustrates or angers me to fuck off, shred my dissertation work into confetti, toss it into the air and exit the office in a dramatic bluster and never, ever go back there.  There is another part of the fantasy that includes flaming piles of dog shit, but that's a short list.  Mostly I'm frustrated and because of my recent life trauma, I'm also jaded and bitter about having to work on something so trivial as a dissertation - like it matters or something.  I get angry with myself that I devote so much time and that I bother to rage at all about a matter which has no bearing on anything - anywhere - anytime.  Fuck.