The smile outside covers lies like the ocean tide

I feel better today.  It's Tuesday morning and I'm sitting at Starbucks near DU after a meeting with my advisor about my dissertation and prospectus.  I think I was right about the tone of the emails I got last week, and he is ever the politician and keeps things in the realm they should stay in when I would just go off talking shit about people.  I appreciate that he confirmed my suspicions without resorting to talking behind someone's back.  That's maturity I often lack and I admit it; I let my anger and frustration rule my mouth and that is something I am definitely going to work on.

I feel a bit more like myself today.  There is still rage just beneath the surface of my skin but I am hoping to keep it at bay for as long as possible in the hopes that, like a toddler, it will tire of trying to get my attention and go to sleep.  Listening to angry industrial music, believe it or not, actually helps this - Nine Inch Nails, Rob Zombie, Rammstein - these are things that my little rage monster loves but keeps me smiling.  I tried to explain this effect to my students last week when we talked about Titus Andronicus and I don't think I've yet convinced them that we like violence because it frees us from having to be violent and that we listen to angry music to keep from being angry, and that kind of thing creates the fabric of our civilized society.  They gave me that blank look that I've become accustomed to and interpret as "what is this insane woman babbling on about?"  It doesn't bother me anymore; it's the one kid who sits in the middle of the room, gets my Douglas Adams jokes and has seen Sweeney Todd on Broadway and in the movie house that I teach to anyhow.  I gave up a long time ago on reaching them all; the average number of students positively affected by my classes is about two per course, and if there are more, I just consider it icing on an already tasty cake. 

See, how's that for positive?  I'm working on it.