Detox just to Re-tox

I cannot believe it's the first day of summer term already. Really. Can I get one of those time necklaces Hermione had in the 3rd Harry Potter book? It does not help that I'm suffering a Rip Van Winkle effect of being in bed sick for four days. Mind you, I'm still sick, but at least now I present as one of the living. Barely. I have no idea how I'm going to talk for the next rest-of-the-day when I can barely be heard over the telephone.

Turns out my all was just medium

Tuesday morning and I'm babysitting the kiddos. Well, not yet, but I'm waiting for them to arrive. I didn't think I could adore any child as much as my own but these two are close.

I had the strangest conversation with my Dad this weekend and I needs must vent. Methinks as far as kids with no supportive parenting go, I turned out just fine. Better than fine, in fact. I'm a healthy person with a nice home, decent job, great career, a Ph.D. (well, almost), people who love me, and a completely well-adjusted teenage kid. I'm hardly a Dr. Phil show candidate.

So I'm having lunch with Dad and he does this awkward conversation thing where he tells me something at a random moment that always seems uncomfortable. Example: mid-bite of my veggie salad (while watching him eat enough steak for two people and a potato that is hardly recognizable beneath the heap of butter, sour cream, and salt), he says "you have no idea how proud of you kids I am." To which I respond, "yes, I do; you tell me all the time." [Meanwhile, I think 'new subject, please.'] I mumble something about how great my salad is, and he keeps going "I'm most proud of you," he says, "because you did it with a kid." I'm sure he means my education, of course, but it's especially odd for him to say this at lunch, and because I know it really means that he thinks I need this kind of recognition from him - that I somehow need him to judge me favorably. Which I don't. And what's worse is that he thinks this is support rather than judgment and that he's doing me some great favor; I think it's because he is the one who needs to be constantly judged favorably and be reinforced as a "great Dad" even when we both know that he wasn't bad, but great is a real stretch.

In my father's revisionist history, he was always there for us, supportive in every way, encouraging, and lovingly attentive; in my far more accurate history he spent the bulk of my childhood at work or in front of the television set eating junk food without a single thought about my spiritual or emotional well-being. In my historical account, we hardly ever had a real conversation about anything at all, and the man scarcely knows me. And I scarcely know him. I cannot predict his moods, his thoughts, or even crack the code of what he feels about any situation ever. He is either the keeper of a medieval fortress or just an empty shell - and I doubt I will ever know which.

But our relationship as adults has been civil. He helped me with money and moving heavy objects, and occasionally spoke to me about how much he loves me, but I would not consider us close in any real way. Thus, after the awkward "I'm-such-a-great-Dad-right?" routine, he proceeds to tell me that both he AND Mom "were sure I was never going to make anything of myself." So on top of the unpleasantness of unsolicited praise, I realize that much of his pride rests in his complete surprise that I'm not a failure.

Sometimes I want to quit this all and become and accountant now

The internet is out at my house, and I know this because I had to spend the better part of an hour on the phone with Qwest, listening to a person from Eastern Europe with a thick accent go through her script before she was allowed to use her brain at all. She was very nice and I do not complain about her per se, but seriously, I am sick to death of calling Qwest, or Direct TV, or whatever, informing them of the problem I'm having and that YES, I have already done all of the troubleshooting maneuvers only to be made to do them all over again. And after that, being told that oh yes, there is an outage in your area and that's why the internet doesn't work.

Never mind that this is the first question I asked and assumed was the case.

And don't even get me started on the infuriating Qwest computer that you are forced to speak to in order to get a human being at all, who will then ask you for all of the same information they just kept you busy with on the fucking computer. Argh.

I'm grouchy because I am now at Daz Bog using their internet - and while I like actually being in Daz Bog, their internet sucks and randomly asks you every five or so minutes whether or not you still agree to their free Wi-Fi use rules. And they play KBCO, which is also not bad, but radio in general is annoying since U2 is apparently back in style and I have to hear them on every station all day long. Am I the only one who is sick to death of this pompous band who hasn't made a truly great album since The Joshua Tree? Wasn't that 20 years ago or something? And Bono makes me generally want to puke, even if he is by and large doing nice things in the world.

This random ranting is just to keep the barbarians at the gate this morning. I'm tired and I feel like I should be working but don't feel like it. I have exactly three pages of introduction to my dissertation and I'm bored with it. I cannot possibly grade any papers in the mood I'm in because my snarky-ness has no bounds. And I'm hungry. Meh.