In any case, I'm still sick and contemplating whether or not I should work out today. Will this help or hurt? Online articles are of no help in this regard; they seem fairly split on the benefits of sweat vs. benefits of sleep.
This morning I have my appointment with my therapist again and I've been reflecting on what has changed since our last visit (about a week and a half); indeed I have been feeling better and there must be some way to account for this that is not drug-related. I discovered it yesterday afternoon whilst cleaning the house and grousing under my breath about clean clothes crammed into baskets to the point of unrecognizability, which is something that I will break my hubby of if I have to threaten bodily injury to do it. Normally, I vent my frustrations to the world via journals and fiction, and occasionally I'm pretty confrontational via email, but face to face confrontation is something I rarely do and when I do, I tend to harbor guilt about it. I feel guilty even when I'm right, even when I say things politely, even when I hold my temper, even when I am perfectly reasonable in my requests for new behaviors toward me. This happens less so with students, but it still happens. I am reasonably assertive, but handling conflict is something I have never done well except in the capacity of go-between. Others' conflicts seem easy to negotiate and even mediate, but my own seem to suffer on the sidelines. What is with my alliterative writing today? It's annoying, yes?
Last Friday, after my last therapy session when I was feeling a bit more fragile than I'd like, I confronted the student who gives me most trouble. I chided him jokingly about how I wanted to like him, but he'd have to stop pissing me off first. He laughed, but seemed to get it. I felt bad about insulting him outright, but I swallowed my apology and went home. It felt great. Then a student who hadn't shown up to my literature class for several consecutive weeks appeared in the doorway after class had begun, and in front of the entire class, I told her to leave. When she responded, "but I've done the work," I told her that in fact she had not - the work happens in the classroom discussion and anyone can read a book at home. I sensed my students bristle with pride at my sideways compliment to them, and the girl left angrily. I later felt, of course, guilty, and asked the class if they thought I'd been too harsh. The overwhelming response was "no" and in fact one older student thanked me directly because she works a full time job, had a cold, and still came to class while this girl didn't, so the woman felt I had defended her efforts. Who knew that being a bitch so openly paid off like this?
In my haste to continue great feelings, I told Jamison to his face that if he crams clean clothes into a laundry basket ever again, I might kill him, and then kindly reminded him that when I find his clothes in the dryer, I not only fold and hang them, but I also put them away for him too. The PS to all of it was that I'm not a housewife, do not want to be a housewife, but I also refuse to live in an untidy house, and that an equitable division of labor is required of him. It sounded more like "how the fuck am I supposed to wear clothes like this?" followed up with "I thought you were going to clean the bathroom - the germs in there are acquiring free will," but he got the message. When my daughter yelled at me about not doing something, I retorted with "do you have any idea what I do for you? How most of my life is dedicated to doing things for you? Stop hurting my feelings." She looked at me in shock and while my immediate response was to apologize, I didn't. Things are better now.
I want to say more on this subject, and I will, but it must be anon. Time presses me at the moment.
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