Did you think you'd escaped from routine by changing the script and the scene?

I read Jim Grimsley’s Dream Boy yesterday and it shook me, like all of his books do. Less so for the homosexual concerns and societal realities for gay men in the American South than for the simple staggering world of southern poverty in general. Both his male and female characters are always avoiding drunken fathers and husbands and homophobic classmates with no boundaries about violence and sex.

What makes me think and may disturb me even more is that parental sexual and physical abuse is not part of my life, but it easily could have been. And I do not mean that my parents are dodgy, either, but that I'm simply lucky to have been born to them and not someone else. I wish I could say I had the same luck with regard to boyfriends.

Nearly every woman I know has been in some way physically victimized by a spouse or boyfriend and I cannot help but feel it is a disturbing norm rather than exception. Some women learn early to embrace the kind of self-worth that intimidates and deflects these types of men, but sadly, most of us do not. Some women at least get the sense beaten into them at some point, when they have had enough and made the attempt to face down the demons and never ignore warning signals again, but most do not. The truth is, for whatever reason, women continue to accept everything from subtle coercion to overt sacrifice in the name of being with someone.

I think there are worse things than being single.

It is so easy to say “why doesn’t she just [fill in blank here: leave him, call the police, get a restraining order]” but if it were that simple, no one would need to pose such a question in the first place. Not many of said women I know are the passive sort; if a man hit any one of them at the start, she'd tell him to simply fuck off. But it never happens that way; it is always one tiny compromise after another that leads to larger ones in sum. And asking for help is admitting the problem and it too often sounds like weakness.

A friend I'm not close too just last week had to flee her apartment with a live-in boyfriend who raped her. She didn't even call it rape when she explained what happened. This is a man who used to take her cell phone from her and pry into her email and write text messages to friends and family posing as her. Another friend had to leave the state entirely to remove herself from a violent situation. I myself have sat up late into the night listening to every sound and erasing histories on my cell phone and having friends accompany me into the house to insure no "incident."

And I won't ever do it again. I made the decision when that person was out of my life that I would never allow another person to control me; that I would never make even the slightest compromise where my freedom to be myself was concerned. I refuse to be beholden to anyone in this way ever again. Sometimes Jamison has to remind me in subtle ways that I can give a little without giving anything up. Sometimes it's difficult for me to even go somewhere with him that he wishes me to go if I don't entirely want to without making myself feel bitter about it. Even if there is no coercion except a request for my presence that can be turned down with ease. It's one of the ghosts that haunts me.

Two weeks ago, one of my students came into class a half hour late and she had a black eye nearly swollen shut. I didn't confront her directly but sent a passive email asking if she was okay and to mention that if she needed to be pointed in the direction of help to say the word. She wrote back and thanked me for my concern but noted that the "situation has been dealt with." Jamison said, "hey, she's a smart college student; I'm sure everything's fine."

His naivete is refreshing in a way but I know differently; I was a Master's degree student when I had the ball and chain round my ankle. Both aforementioned friends have advanced degrees; intelligence, availability of help, and even knowledge does not change much about abusive situations. To my great chagrin, in fact, it actually makes them worse for this very reason. Educated independent women don't find themselves in these situations, right?

More than anything else, we need to talk about these things and not hide them away as secrets. The only secret being kept is that your abuser is not such a bad person and he/she does not have to face the shame of others knowing it. Why we afford these people this luxury is beyond my comprehension. Let's talk. Out loud and name names.