You can only blame your problems on the world for so long before it all becomes the same old song

There's a show on WE called "The Locator" that I cannot get enough of. The sum of it: a man gets letters from people who are searching for lost loved ones and he finds them and reunites them. It sounds simple and -frankly- like typical reality show claptrap, but it's addictive. I might even say it's low on the added schmaltz factor because it doesn't appear to exploit people. When he puts people in the same room, he just turns and leaves and the rest of the show is about the two people, just talking. And I always cry because because for once, it feels like a reality show is doing something real.

I had a strange meeting with my dissertation advisor on Friday and it gave me wonky anxiety dreams all weekend. Guh. One of these days, I would love to know why my brain panics over every little thing and manifests itself in my sleep as (1) needing to get away from someone but being unable; packing useless things and never being done; or (3) trying to get someplace and never getting there. What strikes me most odd - and perhaps is the key - is that I no longer have a person to fear in my life and haven't for some time, I hate clutter and if I were going somewhere important, I'd likely abandon most of what I own without a second thought, and getting lost seems equally impossible because I have an uncanny ability to know where I am at all times. But these are things I naturally obsess over as well...

ANYway, we met Friday and I am feeling utterly stifled by the dissertation process, mostly because I don't entirely understand what it is. Sure, it's a "book" or series of essays, but I don't feel certain that I know what I'm supposed to get out of it, what readers expect from it, or why I need to do it at all. I am not intimidated by having to produce pages - I write easily and when necessary, can say in 100 words what could be said in 10; I don't fear rejection because I genuinely don't care what other people think of me anymore and certainly not snooty academic types. I just want someone to tell me: "do it this way" like I have the courtesy to do for my students. Perhaps it's the mathematical whiz in me that requires that sense of order, but vague expectation is not acceptable. Despite the fact they often ignore it, my students are at least informed about exactly what I expect of them, when, and how. It makes sense to me that at the advanced level this should not be necessary, and in some sense it isn't, but when it comes to the document that is ostensibly going to define you in the professional world, it might be nice for someone to guide me in the process.

Suddenly I am aware of what the problem is and it's not the answer I would have thought, either. Most of the people who are my so-called "superiors" in this game are not at all like me, and I don't mean that in a "duh" kind of way; what I mean is that most of the English profs I know are fretfully disorganized, artistic types who thrive on a certain kind of pressured chaos to function. And it makes them terrible leaders. Most of them couldn't tell me how to do a dissertation because they honestly do not know, or at least the way they do know does not resonate with my meticulously organized nature. For example, when I say, "I am feeling overwhelmed at writing 150 pages without knowing how it should be laid out," and my advisor responds with, "figure out what your priorities are and start writing; just send me something," he is not obfuscating. We are just speaking a different language and I need to translate.

Just what I need: one more fucking thing to do.