Can't afford to be just one in a flock

When I looked up from my computer screen and mountain of books, I noted that we have entered the month of August with some despair. Where has the summer gone? Why is the lawn dead? Have I really gained five pounds since June? Isn't the scale going the wrong way? Does the dog smell like she needs a bath? Where is my daughter? What is the day? Have I slept? Am I working nights in a movie theater, splicing single frames of porn into family films?

Metro starts classes in just over a week; ACC the week after that; and DU in just over a month. I wish these facts didn't send me into a tailspin. I wish it felt as though I were closer to done than I am. Apparently, I'm all about the lists today.

I have been meeting with Andrew (a good friend from DU), to discuss dissertation writing this summer, and it's been educational and fun. Granted, Andrew is a year ahead of me in the program, and I should expect him to be further along in his work than I am, and he also reads everything, as he is single, has no kids, lives alone, and has the summer off. It's difficult to remind myself that I am not one of those dedicated grad students whose only focus is education; on my best day, school can only ever be about third on my priority list. But in reading chapters of his dissertation for him and talking about it, I have come to the stark realization that I am nowhere near where I thought I was in this process and that troubles me somewhat. I should also give the caveat here that Andrew is much more scholarly than I am, and a theory nut, so I'm not sure that my own harsh self-judgments aren't amplified by this fact. However, I have lost all sight of my own dissertation; I no longer care at all about the topic with which I started this endeavor, and the new direction is better, more interesting, but still, it's a much longer road than I had anticipated. It now looks as though I may not graduate this year but the next, and I worry that this move only prolongs the state of limbo I find myself in and am frustrated with. I'm ready to be in only one job that I can keep for a while, and while I need continued novelty on a daily basis, I look forward to the day when this novelty need is met by the changing flux in students and not my constantly changing schedule and drive times.

Andrew has influenced me to push myself a bit further and has me reading more theory. After I re-read my bit about the Structuralists and actually understanding them, I revisited some things I thought I hated via our meetings. Namely Derrida, whom I normally avoid like the proverbial plague, is starting to make sense to me. If you know me, you know that's a colossal statement from the likes of my pen (er, keyboard). The point is that it's a mixed blessing: I perhaps have a more scholarly dissertation to now work on, but as always, I'm choosing the more difficult terrain to travel upon. Figures.