What in the name of "Are you there, God, it's me Margaret" are you talking about?

I've been grouchy today. Grouchy and the only way this thing will let me type is in italics. Grr.

I had the strangest set of dreams this morning that seem to be letting me know that I'm experiencing a high level of anxiety lately. For example, there's the one in which I am starting to teach a new class at some massive campus that is a combination of Metro and UNC in Greeley and I can't find my way to the classroom I need. As the class period ticks by, I am burdened with too many heavy bags, can't walk quickly, and generally can't find my way around. I'm always on the opposite side of campus and this time Sarah was with me, and we found these two super heroes who were shadows - these shadows could apparate us, but only a few hundred yards at a time. I finally arrived to class ten minutes before it was over and only a couple of students were still there and angry. Some other part of the dream included me continually "losing" my office - that is, the office was the same, except I had too many things and I couldn't decide what I needed to carry to class, and I'd walk out of the office and suddenly wouldn't be able to find my way back to it.

Which is a new theme in my anxiety ridden nightmares - this notion of losing my way. Yesterday I had a dream where I was driving downtown in Denver and trying to get to Auraria, but no matter which way I turned, I was far away from where I needed to be. What is ironic about this of course is the fact that I'm a master navigator - I know where everything is, keep detailed maps in my head, can find my way with almost uncanny results in nearly any city (Portland, Oregon notwithstanding). Every one I know calls me from cell phones for directions around Denver. So the notion of my being lost is an odd one. The notion of my being late to class is equally silly since I'd sever a limb to be on time, but only to class and so I can be self-righteous about punctuality. Ha.

Perhaps that's the nature of anxiety - that the least likely thing to happen is what you experience and what you worry the most about. I also find it amusing that when I'm stressed out and feeling panicky or tense is when I notice that I'm "anxious" but I don't feel the effects of "anxiety" until periods when I'm relaxed and seemingly calm. And sleeping well. And feeling generally okay about myself and the world. This recently occurred with a friend of mine and I find it similarly amusing. I know it's because school starts tomorrow at Metro and I always have anxiety dreams at the start of term. I wish I could show these things to my public speaking students, for example, to show them how even though we can become skilled at speaking to others regularly, much of the jitters never really go away. Ugh.