If you can't say anything nice about anybody, come sit by me

I should warn you that this post is all about bitching, and it will be self-indulgent, probably unflattering regarding my character, and certainly vexing.  Read at your own risk.

I struggle with my weight.  I don't mean that I vainly quibble about not being a size 2 - oh no.  I pack on pounds like no one I know; I can literally think about cheesecake and gain a jeans size.  I can't remember a time in my life when I wasn't overweight by some standard and it has often seemed there was nothing to be done about it.  I'm not a particularly vain person; I can openly accept myself as the universe made me, knowing that my "ideal" or "healthy" weight is still considerably higher than most.  I completely concede that I am not nor will I ever be skinny, and that's quite fine with me.  What is not fine with me is a state of ill health; as I approach my forties (not real soon, but soon enough), I want to be fit, healthy, and the best version of myself I can be.  Last year, I hit an all-time high weight and lost nearly 50 pounds by working out, eating right, and (honestly) taking a shitload of diet pills under the supervision of my doctor.  It's been wonderful to hear how great I look and to shop for new clothes, but as far as I'm concerned, I still have a good thirty pounds to go - and this is realistic for my body - and the fucking scale will not move in any direction but higher.  I can't tell you how many desserts have been skipped, how many times I go out to eat or to parties and drink soda water whilst everyone else eats chips and guacamole or pizza and drinks beer.  I've been to backyard barbeques with just my trusty water bottle, talking to anyone who wasn't eating.  I go to the gym and lift weights at home, and do pilates from a DVD, and walk the dog, and run up and down my stairs - I haven't taken an elevator in six fucking months.  Yet here I sit feeling fat, and it's not because I'm whining; it's because I'm fucking fat.  Guh.

Do you know what it's like to go to Bally Total Fitness to work out?  I hate that place but I love the equipment, so I tune out; I put on my iPod or bring a book and insist on not making eye contact with anyone.  I usually go in the evening, when the entire gym is almost exclusively full of hispanic men of varied ages wearing too little clothing and - this is not racist, I swear - but what is it with this particular population that allows them to leer at women, head to foot, with a smarmy expression and not feel like the motherfuckers they are?  It's so insulting and when one of them meets my glare, he will usually quickly turn away, looking either guilty or shocked.  Guilty I have some sympathy for because he knows he's been caught being a douchebag, but the shocked expression makes me want to go over and cut the guy's balls off and stuff them into his eye sockets.  The other part of the gym experience is when these aforementioned guys strut around the gym and insist on lifting weights that are too heavy and require them to make cro-magnon style, testosterone-pumped grunts and growls and shouts.  Frankly, if you have to make that noise when you pick something up, it's too heavy; put it down and stop making a complete ass of yourself.  If you're reading this and fall into this category, please know that it's not impressive or sexy or cute - it's fucking annoying and stupid and it makes most of us want to kill you - not because we're "jealous" but because you're a fool.

So this is what I endure because the membership is cheap and I suspect all other gyms in my vicinity must look something like this; the alternative is to go to Curves, where the women are, but then I run into the same issue of either having to be social or dealing with other women and listening to them bitch about their weight, which, frankly, I don't want to do.  I am only interested in bitching about weight with my girlfriends who struggle the same way - not making new ones so we can commiserate.  I'm such a bitch.  

However, and back the original rant here.  I'm hungry all the time; I don't eat fast food, white foods, things with sugar; none of my drinks have measurable calories; I drink enough water; I eat fruits and veggies; I count my calories and my fat grams and my fiber and they're all within diet range; I work out; did I mention that I'm hungry all the time?  I don't drink alcohol but rarely; I skip nachos and evening snacks; I don't eat red meat and I do eat lean, broiled fish and brown rice; I don't eat butter and I drink skim milk; we have low-fat cheese and cereals like "flax flakes" and omega-3, vegetarian fed eggs; I eat organic yogurt with no fat; I take Alli; I eat soups with low sodium and all veggies; no pasta, no bread, no french fries.  Did I mention that I'm hungry all the time?

This isn't fair.  I went online this morning after the daily weigh-in went badly and looked up articles related to not losing weight.  I found one that read "8 reasons why you're not losing weight" and thought, great - this should give me some insight.  

Reason 1 was drinking soda pop, which I don't do except for diet, which is acceptable to this writer; 

Reason 2 was not drinking enough water - I drink so much water I have to pee every hour; 

Reason 3 was eating french fries - no shit?  You mean those make you fat?  I can't remember the last time I ate a french fry; 

Reason 4 was eating "white" foods with refined sugar, or white rice or white bread, etc.  Haven't done that in more than a year; 

Reason 5 was not eating whole grains - fuck that, I've done that for years too; 

Reason 6 was not getting exercise - did I mention my gym woes?  I'm not just filing my nails on a stationary bike, people; I'm running for miles on treadmills and elliptical machines for up to an hour at a time; 

Reason 7: eating too much fat - nope; 45 grams a day is low even for a diet; 

Reason 8: not eating breakfast.  Well, that solves it; I'm a medical anomaly.  I've never not eaten breakfast - it's my favorite meal of the day in fact and I do it right and well: whole grains, low-fat proteins, no sugar, fresh fruit.  Yup, that's me.  I'm not sitting around eating coco krispies with whole milk watching Good Morning America with a side of bacon and buttered toast.

Even Oprah's site was not helpful in this regard.  The complaint of a message board participant was "I'm doing everything right and still can't lose weight" and do you know what the replies were?  (1) buy these books by friends of Oprah, and (2) you're not doing everything right, so change this fact.  Thanks.  That will keep me from heading to the clock tower with a high-powered rifle.