Yesterday's meeting with the profs was strangely out of body for me. I went in with my feathers ruffled and ready for a fight, but what I ended up with was something quite positive, if not not utterly confusing. The person I anticipated problems with was reasonably helpful and backed off quickly from the salty stance she held the day before; among us we reshaped my project into something cool and original, and if I pull it off it should launch me into a whole new status as a writer (ie, it's completely publishable scholarly work that eschews all references to destabilized identities and paradigmatic or epistemological shifts). A bit of shame overcomes me as I think about my gross overreaction leading up to this meeting that was based on my anxiety and previous graduate school trauma. This morning, however, that too is mitigated by coffee and a slight inkling that I may be getting sick. Perhaps I didn't handle the conflict well, but it was there, and I don't know that I necessarily overreacted. The meeting yesterday went better than I could have asked for and my project has a green light; however, I'm still skeptical about working with her in the long run because I know that more conflict is coming. My advisor tells me that this is simply a compliment of sorts, because it means that she's taking me seriously and shows that she is treating me like a scholar and not a student. I hadn't thought of it this way, of course, but he's right. What do I do with students who seem hopeless as writers? I give them minimal commentary, correct their grammar, and move on; there is generally no point in engaging someone who can't engage in this way. That's not cruel; it's self-preservation. Students who have real promise and talent, on the other hand, I never stop criticizing and arguing with because I do want to engage them, make them better, help them to find voices. I give myself carpal tunnel writing on their work. I give them harsher grades because I want them to keep trying harder. I am not entirely convinced that this woman is quite so ambitious in her aims at engaging me, but I'm willing for the moment to give her the benefit of the doubt.
I am also grateful to have a solid advisor who is not too much older than I am and yet has a great deal of experience. After the meeting yesterday, he walked me down to Kaladi's for a cup of Earl Grey and a lovely pep talk. He is the professor I most want to be like, and hope that to some degree I already am - the type who gets to know students, meets them on their own ground, and actually listens to what they say, and hears what it is they need. I love that I can call this man on the phone in my momentary irrational rage, and he responds calmly with "I hear what you're saying; it's not unfounded. But let's proceed from here, and if it goes badly, you know I'm on your side and we'll deal with it appropriately." In a world of academics, I have to say that this kind of loyalty is typically only found among fellow students, if at all, and is the one thing I most need and he gets that. As a student/scholar, I can definitely hold my own and in time figure out what I need, but it's really nice to have emotional support at this level. It's what we all need and rarely get.
Gotta grade papers; there's a squirrelly but lovable group of argument/rhetoric students waiting with bated breath for the exact same kind of loving support and encouragement from me this afternoon. I hope I don't disappoint.
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